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My crazy Uncle Leo is working on a special creme that will help relieve painfully swollen egos. He is calling it Preparation
I.
Just a heads up . . . I tried to access the Glade air freshener website, last night. It kept telling me I needed to get
some sort of plug-in.
I am reading a book about Thomas Andrews, who designed the Titanic. It talks about how people were always making fun
of his lisp. To me, it's just unthinkable!
Yesterday, a buddy of mine told me that, in order to stop his girlfriend from nagging
him so much, he promised to marry her sometime next summer. "July?" I asked. He answered, "I sure did!"
Since I finished breakfast, this morning, re-reading Dickens' "Great Expectations," I have been wondering if
Miss Havisham ever called for breakfast, and said, "Pip! Pip! Cheerios!"
I started off the morning yelling some pretty mean things to a guy who was trying to steal my front gate. I just hope
he's not going to take a fence.
My English teachers used to stress to me that it is always I before E, except after C. Isn't
that weird?
Well, it's a good thing Santa came, today. For the next couple of days, it looks like just rain, dear.
As a procrastinator, I
believe that tomorrow is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Yesterday, when we got to the zoo, they
told us we couldn't see the kangaroos because they were simply exhausted. Sure enough, when we got near their area, there
was a huge sign that read, "OUT OF BOUNDS."
My crazy Uncle Leo has converted to the religion of Frisbeetarianism.
He believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
I don't think we will ever see
cannibals on any social media. I think they are pretty fed up with people.
When I was working my way through law school,
I quit my job at Arby's to go work for McDonalds. When her friends would ask what I did, my Mom would tell them I was an arbitrator
Yesterday, I was diagnosed with Sausagephobia. Now, I fear the wurst.
Well, last night, I thought
I had found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying . . . . then, it crashed.
I was noticing
all the legalese and warnings on my wife's jumbo hair dryer, this morning. Somebody got long winded.
For my exercise,
this morning, I asked my wife to let me speed walk behind her car, so she could check my speed and distance. I hadn't gone
too far before I was exhausted.
Listening to my new soundtrack CD from the 1940's off-Broadway
hit show: "Tarzan - A Man and His Music." Man, that guy didn't monkey around with the clarinet. He was absolutely
the King of Swing!
Whenever I heard the word "Khakis," I always thought of military uniforms.
I have since learned that they are also what you need to start your car in Boston.
After I finished my acupuncture
session, yesterday, I told the doctor I thought it was a jab well done.
Somebody had the nerve
to tell me they thought I was pretentious, the other day. I nearly choked on my Latte Macchiato.
My sweet little
Army wife told me that I have spent too much folding money for Christmas. So, she administered military justice and I am now
restricted to quarters.
Yesterday was a great day at the stock market, but not everyone did well: Paper remained
stationary; pencils lost a few points;mining equipment hit rock bottom; and Pampers remained unchanged while Baby Wipes touched
a new bottom.
A local policeman was cruising down the boulevard when he spotted a woman driving and
knitting at the same time.
He immediately
got on his loudspeaker and yelled, "Pull over!"
She rolled down the window,
stuck her head out, and yelled back, "NO. IT'S A SCARF!"
What happens if you get
scared half to death . . . twice?
Well, I made my famous cornbread dressing for the table, later
on, today. When I tasted it, though, it really lacked something. I thought I was going to have to throw it out, until my mother
gave me some sage advice.
Well, I made my famous cornbread dressing for the table, later on, today. When I tasted it, though, it really lacked
something. I thought I was going to have to throw it out, until my mother gave me some sage advice.
Thought for the
day: Everyone is beautiful . . . if you squint, just a bit.
I am studying to be a balloon
animal artist for children's parties. After three weeks of study, my instructor says I am doing great . . . as long as kids
only ask for balloon snakes.
Advice to improve your writing: Avoid clichés like
the plague.
Very few people remember that it was my crazy Uncle Leo who never got credit for inventing
the disposable diaper. Personally, I think he got a bum wrap.
While I was in Barnes and
Noble, yesterday, I asked one of the employees where the Self Help section was. She said that if she told me it would defeat
the purpose.
Not many of you know that I once had a summer job as a lifeguard. I loved it. Then,
some blue kid got me fired.
Okay. So, Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Can I get you something to drink?" Descartes says, "I think not," then disappears.
Does anybody but
me think that the Air and Space Museum should be empty?
Yesterday, the cafe was crowded,
but there was a seat at the counter next to a pregnant lady. I asked her if she minded if I sat there. She told me she was
expecting someone.
Yesterday, I stopped by Madam Myopia to get my palm read. As I started to sit down at
the table, I bumped it and knocked over her crystal ball. That little mistake ended up costing me a fortune.
You may think I'm
paranoid, but I've noticed that cashiers are always checking me out.
You may think I'm paranoid,
but I've noticed that cashiers are always checking me out.
I'm thinking about becoming
a mind reader. What are some of your thoughts?
My loony Uncle Smokey,
who is kind of a pyromaniac, was quite disappointed when he checked out Match.com.
I think they call
it a baseball park because they have a lot of swings and slides inside.
LeAnn Rimes . .
. Nope, I don't think it does.
Yesterday, my dentist told
me to say ahhhh. When I asked him why, he told me that his dog died.
When it rains,
why don't sheep shrink?
I defriended a few people after I found out they were acupunturists.
I just can't tolerate backstabbers.
This
halloween, give your kids some spooky crayons. They are the kind of gift that will make your kin scrawl.
More bad news from the morning paper: MAN FALLS INTO VAT OF TRAIL MIX AND DROWNS. The local factory reports that he may
have been pulled under by a strong currant.
Did you know the local mall is already gearing up for Christmas? They asked me to help
during the tryouts for this year's Santa Claus. This year, each has to climb to the top of the roof and slide down the chimney.
Personally, I thought each one who crawled out of the chimney was well sooted for the job.
Item from this morning's newspaper: MAN ATTACKED BY SHARK. Police have no information on the man or the cause for the
attack. They do suspect he had dandruff, though, since they found his head and shoulders on the beach.
I saw two homeless turtles trying to cross the road, this morning. I think they're headed to the Shell station.
I stopped by the local gym, yesterday, to find out about their beginner yoga classes. The lady asked me how flexible
I am. I told her that Tuesdays and Saturdays are out.
Today is National Coffee Day? I knew something was brewing.
I must be really getting into autumn! Last night, I dreamed I was a dry, withered stalk of corn. Suddenly, my corn stalk
buddies and I were cut down and stacked in the middle of the harvested field. I was shocked!
I went to an audition, yesterday. They were casting 12 people to play clouds in a commercial. 16 people showed up, so
it was overcast.
A lady was upset with her caricature, the other day, and asked if I thought I could
even draw a straight line! I thought about that for a moment and just drew a blank.
When a friend of mine thought about trying to get a
job in the sweater factory, I told her that it's a very clothes-knit community.
I woke up this morning with a piece of lettuce sticking
out of my ear. Turns out, that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I stopped by the pet store, yesterday,
and bought a newt. When I got home, I named him "Teeny Tiny." After all, he is my newt.
This morning's story from the newspaper - BIG SHORTAGE IN DANCE ATTIRE! "Suppliers
are rushing more garments to customers by express rail." Tomorrow, most of them will probably be down at the rail yards
waiting for the tutu train.
Every night, as he would trudge off
to bed, my grandfather would place a half-full glass of water by his bedside. He told me it was something he could really
sink his teeth into.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please!
Don't drink and derive.
This morning's headline: LOCAL MAN
MUGGED INSIDE STARBUCKS.
Did you read about the lady in England
who was dating two poets? When they both tried to break up with her, she decided to murder them. She baked a large pastry,
invited them both over, and gave them each half of the deadly sweet. When police arrested her, later, she denied the crime
and asked why she was being arrested. The inspector replied, "Madam, it appears that you have killed two bards with one
scone."
Well, my buddy has been a traffic cop
for over thirty years, now. His boss finally gave him the green light to retire.
I found out that my mailman used to be a stand-up comic.
I kinda thought he might be something like that - he's got perfect delivery.
Well,
my crazy Uncle Leo is at it, again. He is making a line of designer long underwear for really over weight folks, and evidently
he's creating quite a flap.
Shakespeare
understood that if you want to make a good Hamlet, you've got to break a few legs.
I was reminiscing about my time in an Australian hospital, named Mercy
Hospital, many years ago. They had this wonderful tea. I can't remember the name, but it had cute little bears all around
the can. When I had my first cup, I was shocked that it had so many little grounds floating around in it. My nurse reassured
me: "The koala tea of Mercy is never strained."
My neighbor's dog really likes to chew on his sofa and love seat. I think he has a suite tooth.
Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson
and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief, Holmes," said Watson.
"How on earth did you deduce that?" "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
Ever since that horrible bungee cord accident, the owners of the local
amusement park have been hoping that things will bounce back.
I see they are raising the prices, again, on almonds. That's just nuts!
After getting too close to a poisonous snake at the zoo, yesterday,
boy, was I rattled!
No
time for a pun, this morning. I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to make breakfast!
Not a big fan of going to the Pancake House after midnight. That place
gives me the crepes!
When
I found out that my wife bought a taser, this weekend, I was stunned!
I saw one of my favorite rock stars, yesterday, filling up at the gas station. He seemed to be a regular kind of
guy.
My
buddy, Clogs, who is a cobbler, let me use his leather punch for a few days. I am humbled to think that he would give his
awl for a friend.
I asked
my neighbor, yesterday, why he calls his truck a "Sarah Palin truck." He said, "Because you never know if it's
gonna run."
This
morning's headline: ACCIDENT AT GUM FACTORY! MAN FALLS INTO VAT OF BUBBLE GUM. ANGRY PLANT SAFETY SUPERVISOR CHEWS HIM OUT.
I just went outside to check my plum
trees, in the back yard. Looks like what fruit there is on them is beginning to dry up. I think it's time to prune.
I went to a fortune teller over the
weekend, hoping she would tell me I was going to gain fortune and fame. She just laughed at me and said, "What a loser!"
Right then, I decided I had to try and strike a happy medium.
Whew! What a horrible dream, last night! I was in a dungeon, being beaten and whipped with these little thin, translucent
curtains. It was sheer torture!
My
crazy Uncle Leo is trying to train his pet pigeon, Flaps, to sing. If he can do it, I think it will be quite a coo.
People talk about how boring baseball
is. Maybe, if they replaced the ball with an orange, or a lemon, it would add a little zest to the game.
Well, my crazy Uncle Leo gave me a preview
of his Halloween costume for this year. He walked in with his granddaughter on his back and said, "I'm a snail!"
When I asked him how he could be a snail with just a little girl on his back. He said, "That's not a girl, it's Michelle."
An infectious disease
walks into a restaurant and the manager says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." So, the infectious disease
says, "Well, you're not a very good host."
I am sorry to see that my old friend, A. Summons Ono, a local judge was forced into retirement, last week. Honestly,
though, I think he just stopped trying.
I finally found someone to act as my spotter at the gym, yesterday. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off
my shoulders.
Well, my friend, Dr. Capps won the prestigious honor of being named Dentist of the Year, yesterday. He got a little
plaque.
There was a terrible accident
at Baskin-Robbins, last night. An ice cream vendor was found on the floor of the storage room, covered in cans of sprinkles,
cherries and chocolate syrup. Police say he finally topped himself.
I'm planning on serving the left-over corned beef for supper, tonight. My wife would rather have potatoes and onions.
I guess we'll just have to hash things out.
Of course, you've heard of the dictator who wanted to conquer the world, but was delayed while counting the feet
of his soldiers. His was considered a toe-tally tarrying regime.
Big concerns during the GPS navigator company's annual stockholders' meeting, this weekend. Many are just not sure
the company is heading in the right direction.
I just know that when the new fabric softener factory begins production, people in this town are going to be ex-static!
From this morning's newspaper:
"Police say the unusual damage to a local potato chip factory came when a pair of ostriches escaped from the zoo and
became trapped inside. Evidently they panicked when their feathers got ruffled."
I hate these attempts to modernize Shakespeare, and to
update his language to reflect current English slang. It just gives me the Willies!
Does anyone besides me think that the lower gas prices
might be self-serving?
My crazy Uncle Leo once worked in a plant where he hand-carved a processed meat product into a rectangular shape
that would fit inside the little blue and yellow cans. I think that he just may have been one of the very first spam blockers.
I really wish mimes would
learn to think outside the box.
Frank Sinatra was once asked if he ever owned any exotic birds. He replied, "Egrets, I've had a few . . ."
FYI for all of you who
sometimes get bored, surfing the net, conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.
I'm skipping my piano class, today. I'm just too keyed
up.
My wife wants me to get
rid of my recliner. I just can't. We go way back.
In these difficult and puzzling days, it is important to remember that those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat
it.
Well, the zoo started using a new chemical to clean some of the animals. The leopards
are absolutely spotless.
Does anyone else think that storm chasers are twisted?
True story. I worked my way through high school and college at Fuller Food Store. I sacked up groceries and carried
them to the car for customer. When we got an orange juice machine, I wanted to change jobs and serve juice. The manager, however,
refused to listen to my whining. I learned, then, that baggers can't be juicers.
Last night, I was experimenting in the kitchen with a
blender, ice cream, milk, and various syrups. The results were shaky at best.
I have been trying and trying to encourage a friend of
mine to try spelunking, but to no avail. Eventually, though, I think he'll cave.
I
just finished reading a biography of Elisha Otis, inventor of the elevator. While some parts of it brought me down, overall,
I found it to be very uplifting.
From the morning paper: Man Addicted to Brake Fluid Refuses Rehab - Says He
Can Stop Anytime!
I
made the mistake of asking my neighbor's genius kid about pi. He just went on and on and on.
Another sign of our times
. . . exit signs are on the way out!
I sure am glad to hear that my neighbor, the pilot, finally landed a job.
Oh, boy! I dropped a little chocolate syrup on my
1040 tax forms, last night. I hope the IRS doesn't think I was trying to fudge the numbers.
I'm not sure, but I think
I can master Braille, once I get a feel for it.
I'm
glad the fog lifted, last night, and the Giants were able to finish their baseball game. For a while, it was hit and mist.
I
really didn't think I did well in my apiary class. I worried so much I got hives. Turns out, I was a bee student.
This morning, I read in the paper that if California has a major earthquake, some banks
may go into default.
Got up, early, this morning, to celebrate the holiday. Filled all my washbasins to the
brim with Hellmann's, Kraft and Dukes. HAPPY SINK-O de MAYO'!
I'm planning a dinner of exotic seafood, tonight. Just wondering . . . Is it proper kitchen etiquette
to cook alligator meat in a croc' pot?
My friend, Shecky LaRue, is a horrible amateur stand-up comic. Last night, he entertained at a party in an old haunted
house, and was promptly booed off the stage.
I bought a load of pine, yesterday. My new project is to build a wooden bicycle.
I think I may have enough wood to build a two-cedar.
Well, for all of you who were expecting
the new "Witch's Book of Incantations" to be released, this week, it is now delayed, indefinitely. Somebody forgot
to run spell check. When my wife wanted to buy a large, comfy recliner, this weekend, I suddenly developed
a deep-seated fear.
If I had to pick an animal that had the greatest impact on humans in the last decade, I would have to say that swine
have been the most influential.
A friend of mine, who plays trumpet in the local symphony, told me he had a sore
throat, but was going to play the concert, anyway. Although I warned him not to play, he soon found out that his ill wind
blew no good.
When I read that my barber had been arrested
for burglary, this morning, I really wasn't surprised. He has always been good at cutting locks.
A friend of mine, who is a drummer in a rock band, got a new, solid-gold electronic gong. It tells him when he needs
to replace heads and adjust everything. To him, it is quite a status cymbal.
How many of you think softball pitchers are underhanded?
From all that I have read, I believe
that most people who lived in castles were well manored.
Looking out my window, thinking there must have been a flurry of activity, last night! Some kid wants to shovel my
driveway, but I'll have to pay him, later, from my slush fund.
I had to throw out my oldest and most favorite colander, this morning. It just
couldn't take the strain, anymore.
I've just come up with the tastiest bread
recipe, ever! But I'm only sharing it on a knead-to-know basis.
Of course, you've heard about the noun and verb who were dating? They had to break up because the noun was too possessive.
My old friend, Lenny Fogelman, "The Amazing Human Fly," called while
I was out, yesterday. He left a message on my machine and will give me a buzz, later, today.
Due to a long period of rainstorms, our wilderness camping trip
was intense.
I had to quit my second job as a taste tester. I just had too much on
my plate.
My crazy Uncle Leo's grandfather was quite the inventor, as well. Back in the old west
of the 1870's, he designed and created a business suit and hat made entirely from brown paper bags. Unfortunately, he decided
to test it out and wear it into town and was promptly arrested, tried, and hanged! The charge? Rustling.
If actions speak louder than words, then how come you can never hear mimes?
When I signed up for this origami class, I never thought my paper costs would increase two-fold.
Did you know that docks stay afloat simply from pier pressure?
I attended the wedding of two friends of mine who are nuclear technicians at Oak
Ridge. After the ceremony, she looked absolutely radiant, and he was positively glowing!
My math teachers used to tell me that I was just average. I always thought that was mean.
When I got home late for supper last night, I told my wife that I had a pretty
nasty fall and twisted my ankle. She thought that was a lame excuse.
Just read in the morning paper about a man who was arrested after his therapist suggested that he take a little something
for his kleptomania.
When I was in
the army, I had this fear of canned food and MREs. Do you think I was being irrational?
My crazy old Uncle Leo is inventing a new kind of reversible jacket. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
I've been offered a sweet deal to work for the local watch factory. They told me
that if I take the job, I can make my own hours.
I
think the guy I hired to come out and cut down some trees, this morning, is a rookie. When I told him what I wanted done,
he just looked stumped.
I wonder if amoebas
ever get splitting headaches?
Spring gardens should be ashamed! Showing
their bloomers like that.
Old age is not for weenies or wieners.
I just spilt
stain remover on my shirt. How do you get THAT out?
Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.
What is green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
During an army exercise, a young major's hummer became stuck in the mud. He saw a group of soldiers lounging
under a group of trees, and call to them to come and help get him out of the mud. "Sorry, sir," one said, "the umpire declared us dead, and said we could no longer participate in any
way." The major turned to his driver
and said, "Go drag some of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels for traction."
Yesterday,
I went into my bank and asked the teller to check my balance. She leaned over the counter and pushed me.
You
never see dogs that are good dancers. They all have two left feet.
Jokes for November 1, 2010 How many policemen does it take to break an egg? None! It "fell
down the stairs." Someone broke into a wig store. Police are combing the
area. Why don't politicians like golf? It's too much like their work - trapped
in one bad lie after another. A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a waffle
on his head, a fried egg on his left ear, and two pieces of bacon on his right ear. "What seems to be the problem?"
the psychiatrist asked. The mtian replied, "I'm worried about my brother." What did one elevator say to the other elevator? "I think I'm coming down with something." What has fifty legs and still can't manage to even move? Half a centipede. Robin Hood was never able to sell his house. It had a little John. There's a new restaurant in town called The Moon. The food is good, but it has no atmosphere. To err is human. To moo is bovine. What do you call a beautiful girl
on a trombonist's arm? A tattoo. Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop. What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Nice belt.
Update for the week of 9/20/2010 I told my doctor, this morning, that I thought I was shrinking.
He looked at me and said I would have to be a little patient. What is half of infinity? -nity. What's
the difference between California and yogurt? Yogurt has real culture. Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One say, "Do you smell fish?" Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't want your type
in here." I just hired one of the best accountants
in the business. He even has a loophole named after him. When Pierre and Marie Curie made their discovery, they practically radiated enthusiasm. When businesses have a "Guide Dogs Only" sign, who is supposed to
read it? How deep would the ocean be without the sponges? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? There is a new disease that comes from eating butter. They say it spreads pretty easily.
Humor
update for the week of 9/13/2010 Hunting
season is coming. Got a game plan? Saw an interesting
horror movie, based on Shakespear's "Hamlet." One of the best lines comes when Hamlet turns into a werewolf,
looks up at the full moon and says, "To bay, or not to bay. . ." Seems that when it comes to wrapping presents, I just don't have the gift. I tried to fix our toilet, today. I couldn't get a handle on it. I read, in the newspaper, this morning, that the local origami plant folded. The local birdwatchers' club is giving its members special GPS devices. It
gives tern by tern directions. Water skiing is such
a drag. I hate being a used car salesman, but I guess
it's just my lot in life.
Jokes: Three elderly men were discussing the difficulties of growing old.
One said, "Sometimes I find myself standing in front of the refrigerator, and I don't remember if I am putting it back
or getting ready to make a sandwich." The second one I find myself at the top of the stairs and don't remember
if I've just come upstairs, or getting ready to go down." The third said, "Well, I haven't experienced any
of those things yet, knock wood (rapping her knuckles on the table). Oh, just a minute, somebody's at the door . . ." What do you get when you cross a Frisbee with a cow? Skimmed milk. I went into the bank, yesterday, and asked the teller to check my balance.
She leaned over the counter and pushed me. I remember when my wife was
in labor with our first child. She kept yelling, "Shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, mustn't, can't." The
doctor told me that everything was fine . . . she was just having contractions. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even. What's small, red, and whispers. A hoarse radish. Puns for the week of: 09/01/10 I don't know what possesses people to go and
see the new "Exorcist" movie. While driving
to work, this morning, I almost got creamed by a milk truck! My
tailor is making some alterations to an old suit, or sew it seams. A local farmer who put a trampoline in the middle of his hen-house was arrested for bouncing chicks. I wonder if monks ever get cloisterphobia? When baseball players retire, I imagine they feel debased. I read that a man recently fell into an upholstery machine. He's recovered, now.
One
Liners Some mornings, it's just not worth
chewing through the leather straps. (Emo Phillips) What
did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt. What's
black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra. I
have a friend who tells religious jokes, and was recently put on the Sects Offenders list.
Higgy's Points to Ponder Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Dieting is simply mind over platter. If you squint, just a little bit, everyone is beautiful. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Those
who pretend to enjoy being beaten up are pseudo-masochists. Somebody
has been messing with my anti-paranoia medication, and I think you know who! Is air pollution a mist demeanor? I
don't like to think of myself as an old person. I'm simply a recycled teenager.
Puns for the week of: 08/22/2010
I've never really considered competetive marksmanship, but I am willing to give it a
shot. Cow jokes are udder nonsense. My crazy Uncle Leo invented an manure spreader. It's the first thing he has
built that he will not stand behind! I started reading
a new book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I don't know what possesses people to go see the new Exorcist movie! Tofu is really overrated. It's just a curd to me.
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