My crazy Uncle Leo is experimenting with turning lions into cannibals. The hardest part, he
says, is teaching them to swallow their pride.
to the IRS, if you have a job and are able to put a little away for savings, you have what it takes.
I used to think that "M"
was one of the most commonly used letters. Actually, it only occurs once in a blue moon.
Oh, by the way, I took my night school finals, last night.
When she handed the papers back, the teacher had stapled a Burger King application to mine.
My wife and I often laugh at how competitive we are at things . . . but I laugh more
. . . and, better, too, I might add.
Morning news from the beach: MAN'S ATTEMPT TO ROB SEASHELL STAND FOILED - CONCHED ON THE NOGGIN BY OWNER.
Whenever I feel blue,
I just stop . . . realize my wife is not going to let have my way . . . and start breathing, again.
I went to Jr's Foodland's Truckload Meat Sale, here in
Murfreesboro, yesterday. It turned out to be just another chop shop.
My cousin, Lenny, lost his job at the Krazy Glue factory.
He spilled his Prozac in the vat, and they had to bottle it as plain glue.
My wife embroidered a bouquet of multi-colored flowers
on my favorite sweater. All I could say was, "Honey, that's pretty crewel!"
I just read an interesting article in the newspaper.
Did you know that hanging is the number one cause of death for stick figure people?
Bought a couple hamsters, yesterday, and replaced their
water bottle with an espresso bottle. Don't want them falling asleep at the wheel.
No phone calls for a while, today, please. Sometime in the night, I reached for my Chap Stick and
got my glue stick, instead.
I broke a light bulb, this morning. "So what," you say? Well, for us cartoonists, that means seven more years of
You know, the
more I think about it, the Mayans gave us a good lesson, last year. Just because you don't finish something, it's not the
end of the world.
may be no "i" in "team," but there are three of them in
My crazy Uncle Leo has found a way to make professional-looking crop
circles on his farm. He uses his PRO tractor.
My wife tried to get inside my head, last night, but she soon found out she was up against a rock
wall. Yesterday, some ladies were talking about a
new caviar shampoo. "Who would use such a thing," they asked. I told them farmers use it on their ducks, so they
can keep them in a roe. Thieves are breaking
into homes and only stealing desks. Police say that if their crime spree continues, someday they'll get the chair. My copy of "War and Peace" looks so much thinner, now that it's had its appendix removed.
Thanks to whomever
sent me the box of chocolate covered cherries! I think was very cordial of you. My wife keeps saying the same thing over and over again.
I hope it's just a phrase she's going through. My friends, violinist, Nero
and his comedian brother, Burns Gump, bought an Italian restaurant. Ever the entertainers - Nero fiddles while Burns
bought my wife one of those hot dog puppies. You know, the kind that eats your shoes with relish. The prices some stores are getting for tires, these days, are just highway rubbery!
When I was a young boy, I could only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I never knew y.
Humpty Dumpty's fall wasn't really all that bad. At least, it brought him
out of his shell.
Fortune cookie: A man who drives a Honda SUV without fastening his seat belt may find himself outside his Element.
I'm trying to find a bio on the guitarist for Led Zeppelin.
For some reason, I keep getting an error message: 404 ERROR. PAGE NOT FOUND.
In honor of National Pancake Day, I'm having baseball pancakes. Batter UP!
My friend, Nell Scissors, was planning on being a candidate for President, in 2016. However, she can't find anyone
who will run with her.
When I was in Europe, I noticed that even government
services promoted video games. I would hear police sirens going - Wii-U, Wii-U, Wii-U
My friend Ivanka Chanel Jones just finished a modelling job for a company that makes Russian stacking dolls. Now,
she's so full of herself!
Alphabet soup was on sale for a nickel, yesterday.
The factory didn't put the 21st letter in any of the cans. So, they were Ues-less.
attended the celebrity buffet, last weekend. I really enjoyed the Beets by Dr. Dre. I saw a couple of young mathemeticians out playing in the snow. They were making snow angles. Believe it, or not, I was offered a job, with the county, as a noise pollution inspector. Unfortunately, I had to
turn it down. Well, I dropped my watch and broke
it. I need one more part to get it working again. Can anyone recommend a good second hand store?
I just replaced the cloth on my catamaran with Saran
Wrap. For me, it's gonna be clear sailing from here on!
I thought about getting a power washer, so I headed off to Home Depot. Didn't stay long, 'cause I can't deal
with high-pressure salesmen.
I've penned more than a few great novels in my time. That's probably
why I'm not allowed in the local library any more.
My neighbor doesn't want anyone to know he's sneaking out, at night, and tapping his maple trees. He's really
being very syruptitious.
wife didn't care too much for our piano mover, this weekend. Personally, I thought he was a grand, upright kind of guy.
Tragic news, today: A plane full of Japanese car parts exploded
in midair, today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.
I don't know why, but I still get out my old chemistry table of the elements, periodically.
I met the new television weatherman, recently. I just had to ask where he hailed from.
I read, this morning, that the mayor is trying to promote a monorail
system for the city, again. Boy, this guy has a one track mind!
I didn't get the part in a local production of "The Wizard of Oz." I'll end up playing the
part of the Tin Man. I'm a little disheartened.
Newspaper story: A local teacher, checking tests while driving on
a rain-slick road, lost control in a hairpin turn. She vowed to never again grade on the curve.
Just a heads up . . . it's gonna be cold, later, today. If you're going out to buy soup,
I just found out . . . they're out of stock.
a guy from the gym got in the elevator, all sweaty and smelly. That was just wrong on so many levels.
I once asked a girl for a date in high school, but she said she'd rather stay home and
play her flute to her snake. Charming, just charming.
I'm making a presentation on playground safety, later, this morning. I've prepared a slide show. Have you ever noticed just how subtle the b is in subtle?
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was
recently asked why he had not upgraded to Windows 7, he replied, "I still like Vista, baby."
When my wife saw all the evergreen
trees I planted, she was awfully upset. I was just trying to do as she asked and spruce up the place. The inventor of the TV remote control died.
He was 96. Have they tried turning his batteries around & smacking him against the recliner? Morning Headlines: FREAK traffic
ACCIDENT FINDS LIFE ON MARS! CURIOSITY KILLS CAT.
Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, here goes: "I wish I played
for a better baseball team. I sure hope they trade me." My recent laser eye surgery was a waste of money.
Two weeks and I still can't fire one single, blazing beam of light from either eye. People are beginning to send me angry letters
after reading my joke book that was printed in Braille. I'm sorry they feel that way. I asked a friend who's an
entertainer, last night, if he liked hanging from the ceiling, and spinning round. He just said, "I'm not a fan." I'm
reading a new book by a guy who is heavily influenced by Dr. Seuss and ShakespearE: "Green Eggs and Hamlet." Here
is a sample: Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could
not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery. I'm finally starting my online
taxi company, next week. All I have to do, now, is to download the drivers. One of the members of a remote jungle expedition
was lost to quicksand, over the weekend. Took a while to sink in. My mother heard I'm writing
a book, so she bought me a cheap dictionary. I'm really having a hard time finding the right words to thank her. My son brought home his new girlfriend,
last night. She's an architect. I'll say this, she really knows how to make an entrance! Someone broke into our house
and stole my coffee cup collection. I'm headed down to the police station, later, to look at some mug shots. My
crazy Uncle Leo has invented a spray that clears the air of all smells and odors. Some may call it absurd, but he calls it
that kid next door doesn't stop banging on his drums, there's gonna be some serious repercussions. Police news, this morning: Two men arrested
at zoo for stealing a lion by throwing it into a hot air balloon. It caused quite an uproar! Last night, I bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up, nowadays. I've been asked to be the conductor of
a 120-person orchestra. Man, Now, I've got more musicians than I can shake a stick at. My local supermarket is forming
an orchestra to play while folks shop. I'm auditioning for the sacks. A woman, who was carrying a fresh tulip
in her carry on bag. was arrested by airport security for packing a pistil. I tried and tried to talk
my cousin out of becoming an archaeologist. Now, he tells me that his career is in ruins. My dentist called to say he would be out
of town and will not be able to take care of my cavity. Some other guy will be filling in. I guess robots always seem
to be so fearless because they have nerves of steel.
Some lady fainted in the doctor's office, yesterday. I guess she was an outpatient. I'm listening to the new album
by "The Corduroys." Man, can those cats wale! Police finally arrested and handcuffed a tiny circus clown for
several bank robberies. I was glad to see they used a little restraint. I saw a herd of turkeys crossing
the road, this morning. Evidently, they weren't chicken. Our old neighbors bought a new house on the other side of town.
Yesterday, they stopped by to show us pictures. They were visibly moved. Alright, math geeks, for ten
points, what is half of infinity? Beep. Beep. Oooh, no! Sorry, the answer is nity. My homemade soup turned out to be pretty
good, after all. How uncanny! A man, dressed as the Greek god of the woodlands, was found dead, stabbed
with his flute. Police broke the news with a deadpan expression. On a hike, this weekend, my wife told me she wanted to go rappelling
off of a high cliff, ahead. I thought she was bluffing. My friend, Violet, the x-ray technician, is
marrying one of her patients. Those who know the guy can't figure out what she sees in him. Many have asked if I ever just draw silhouettes
or caricatures from the side. Well, no! I don't want to ever be accused of profiling. I don't think my yoga instructor likes me, and that's
putting me in a very difficult position.
If it weren't for sponges, just how deep would the ocean really be? Yesterday, I bought a box
of animal crackers. It had a warning on the side: "Do not eat if seal is broken." Later, when I got home and opened
it . . . sure, enough . . . My
Aunt Loony, who is schizophrenic, just finished her new book about the subject. It's an unauthorized autobiography.
Did anyone else read the front-page newspaper story about
the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw? Being a lover of Dickens, I was glad to see Part I of "Oliver Twist" on Masterpiece Theater. I have to admit,
though, that watching the first hour was grueling. However, when Oliver meets up with Jack Dawkins and Fagin, later on, I
know I will get a lift. This morning's news: LOCAL MAN FOUND DEAD
IN A VAT OF CHICKPEAS. POLICE ARE TREATING IT AS A HUMMUSCIDE. I landed a part in the movie, Terminator 28. Arnold returns to save early
composers and musicians from total destruction. I'll be Bach. I made a mistake and took my wife with me
to pick up a suit at the new tailor shop. She had a fit! The mafia snitch, gunned down by Machine Gun Tony, was believed to have suffered from ADHD. Guess they thought he needed
riddlin". Southern business news:
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Technology will merge and form a new company called Fairwell Honeychild.
A friend of mine started trimming his Facebook friends list down to only people
that had great hair. I didn't make the cut. Someone decided to use checkered table cloths at the Chess Club Banquet, last night. It took
about an hour for most just to pass the salt. Thousands
of scales are being recalled for faulty numbers. Customers are hoping the company will see the error of its weighs.
Remember those old cartoons where gangsters
would spell out words with a machine gun?. I heard one of the animators is banging out a new book. I've always wondered why cartoonists draw
a light bulb over the head of someone having a brainstorm. Whose bright idea was that?
The mayor of Helsinki lost his entire staff. They lost their citizenship in a scandal. He now has an office with an un-Finnished
Archaeologists now believe the folks behind the Mayan calendar that predicts
the end of all time may have been endochronologists.
As soon as I entered the new Lego store, an aggressive salesman latched onto me. Things kept building and building
until I finally snapped! I had a meeting with my publisher, yesterday,
to discuss my new book on SCUBA diving. Let's just say it didn't go down well. From the morning paper: SHORT SCIENTIST CLONES HIMSELF TO BE TALLER - LATER, POLICE CHARGE HIM WITH "BIGGER ME."
A door-to-door salesman interrupted my work, yesterday, selling
beehives. Not wanting to get stung on the deal, I told him to buzz off! My nephew just landed a job as a meteorologist
at a big television station. This morning, he found out that his job is up in the air. Two more friends of mine married over the weekend. He's a snake charmer. She's an undertaker. Their towels read "Hiss"
and "Hearse." Saw a new commercial. Godzilla sits by the interstate, eating a Mini Cooper,
looks into the camera & says, "Wow! I coulda had a V-8" I see, in the morning newspaper, that the Acme Limbo Dance Studio is about to go under. What if there were no hypothetical questions? I'm off to compete for a job as proofreader at the publishing company. Hope I don't finish as a runer up.
A neighbor and I made an oral contract, last week. I soon found out that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. I firmly believe that animal testing is
wrong! They never know the right answers, anyway. Found out, yesterday, that I have CDO.
It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order . . . as it should be. A blind friend of mine went skydiving for
the first time, yesterday. He's not going to do it, again. He said it scares the dog too much. Glad to
finally see my horse, Nellie, in a stable relationship. Man! I'd give my right arm just to be ambidextrous.
Two prototype stealth police cars collided
on the test track, Monday. Police told spectators, "Move along. There's nothing to see, here."
Yesterday, I bought a box of animal crackers. It had a warning on the side:
"Do not eat if seal is broken." Later, when I got home and opened it . . . sure, enough . . . I often wonder if people who are illiterate ever get the full effect of alphabet
soup? I found out something interesting about
a guy I know who's an auctioneer . . . No friends . . . but lots of nodding acquaintances. I don't understand how my friend expects to produce a documentary on the complete
history of handwriting with no script. I'm pretty sure somebody did something
weird to my paranoia medicine, last night. If you haven't made it down to the museum for the Ancient Egypt exhibit to see the mummies, you'd better hurry . .
. they are about ready to wrap it up. I may not
be gettting any younger, but my mind is still like a . . . a . . . oh, what do you call those things? . Let's all join in and help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish
redundancy! I took my glass of water and added gasoline to finish filling it up. Now, when people ask me if it's half-empty, I
can honestly say that my glass is half fuel. MEMBERS, PLEASE NOTE! The monthly international
Clairvoyants United (I.C.U) meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events. I just found out that I have an IQ in the top 2%. So, who cares about the other
95%? Today, I`ve decided that I`m going to finish everything I st My pet pig, Smithfield, seems to have laryngitis, this morning. I guess that's why he is so disgruntled.
Yesterday, I bought some Carefree gum,
but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm still worried. I firmly believe that animal testing is wrong! They never know the right answers, anyway. Just one more thing that kept me up, last night . . . Can bald people get hairline
fractures? This morning, there's water on the stove and eggs missing from the fridge. I think we may just have poachers!
Well, my crazy Uncle Leo's latest invention is a cardboard belt.
Personally, I think it is a waist of paper. Just a heads up . . . I tried to access the Glade air freshener website, last night. It kept telling me I needed to
get some sort of plug-in. I started off the morning yelling some
pretty mean things to a guy who was trying to steal my front gate. I just hope he's not going to take a fence.
Well, it's a good thing Santa came, today. For the next couple of days, it looks like just rain, dear.
Yesterday, when we got to the zoo, they told us we couldn't see the kangaroos because they were simply exhausted. Sure
enough, when we got near their area, there was a huge sign that read, "OUT OF BOUNDS." I don't think we will ever see cannibals
on any social media. I think they are pretty fed up with people. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with Sausagephobia. Now, I fear the
wurst. I was noticing all the legalese and warnings on my wife's jumbo hair dryer, this morning. Somebody got long
Listening to my new soundtrack CD from the 1940's off-Broadway
hit show: "Tarzan - A Man and His Music." Man, that guy didn't monkey around with the clarinet. He was absolutely
the King of Swing! After I
finished my acupuncture session, yesterday, I told the doctor I thought it was a jab well done. My
sweet little Army wife told me that I have spent too much folding money for Christmas. So, she administered military justice
and I am now restricted to quarters. A local policeman was cruising down the boulevard when he spotted
a woman driving and knitting at the same time. He immediately got on his loudspeaker and yelled, "Pull over!"
She rolled down the window, stuck her head out, and yelled back, "NO. IT'S A SCARF!"
made my famous cornbread dressing for the table, later on, today. When I tasted it, though, it really lacked something. I
thought I was going to have to throw it out, until my mother gave me some sage advice. I am studying
to be a balloon animal artist for children's parties. After three weeks of study, my instructor says I am doing great . .
. as long as kids only ask for balloon snakes. Very few
people remember that it was my crazy Uncle Leo who never got credit for inventing the disposable diaper. Personally, I think
he got a bum wrap. Does anybody but me think that the Air and Space Museum should be empty? Yesterday, I stopped by Madam Myopia to get my palm read. As I
started to sit down at the table, I bumped it and knocked over her crystal ball. That little mistake ended up costing me a
fortune. I'm thinking
about becoming a mind reader. What are some of your thoughts? I think
they call it a baseball park because they have a lot of swings and slides inside. Yesterday, my dentist told me to say ahhhh. When I asked him why,
he told me that his dog died. I defriended
a few people after I found out they were acupunturists. I just can't tolerate backstabbers. More bad
news from the morning paper: MAN FALLS INTO VAT OF TRAIL MIX AND DROWNS. The local factory reports that he may have been pulled
under by a strong currant. Item from this morning's newspaper: MAN ATTACKED BY SHARK. Police
have no information on the man or the cause for the attack. They do suspect he had dandruff, though, since they found his
head and shoulders on the beach. I stopped
by the local gym, yesterday, to find out about their beginner yoga classes. The lady asked me how flexible I am. I told her
that Tuesdays and Saturdays are out. I must be
really getting into autumn! Last night, I dreamed I was a dry, withered stalk of corn. Suddenly, my corn stalk buddies and
I were cut down and stacked in the middle of the harvested field. I was shocked! A lady was upset with her caricature, the other day, and asked
if I thought I could even draw a straight line! I thought about that for a moment and just drew a blank.
I woke up
this morning with a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ear. Turns out, that was just the tip of the iceberg. This morning's story from the newspaper - BIG SHORTAGE IN DANCE ATTIRE!
"Suppliers are rushing more garments to customers by express rail." Tomorrow, most of them will probably be down
at the rail yards waiting for the tutu train.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please! Don't drink and derive.
Did you read about the lady in England who was dating two poets? When they both tried to break up with
her, she decided to murder them. She baked a large pastry, invited them both over, and gave them each half of the deadly sweet.
When police arrested her, later, she denied the crime and asked why she was being arrested. The inspector replied, "Madam,
it appears that you have killed two bards with one scone." Shakespeare understood
that if you want to make a good Hamlet, you've got to break a few legs. My neighbor's dog really likes to chew on his sofa and love seat.
I think he has a suite tooth.
that horrible bungee cord accident, the owners of the local amusement park have been hoping that things will bounce back.
After getting too close to a poisonous snake at the zoo, yesterday,
boy, was I rattled! Not a big fan of going to the Pancake House after midnight. That place gives me the crepes! I saw one of my favorite rock stars, yesterday, filling up at the gas station. He seemed to be a regular kind
of guy. I asked my neighbor, yesterday,
why he calls his truck a "Sarah Palin truck." He said, "Because you never know if it's gonna run." I just went outside to check my plum trees, in the back yard.
Looks like what fruit there is on them is beginning to dry up. I think it's time to prune.
a horrible dream, last night! I was in a dungeon, being beaten and whipped with these little thin, translucent curtains. It
was sheer torture!
People talk about how boring baseball is. Maybe, if they replaced the ball with an orange, or a lemon, it would
add a little zest to the game.
friend, Shecky LaRue, is a horrible amateur stand-up comic. Last night, he entertained at a
When my wife wanted to buy a large, comfy recliner, this weekend,
I suddenly developed a deep-seated fear. A friend of mine, who plays trumpet in the local symphony, told
me he had a sore throat, but was going to play the concert, anyway. Although I warned him not to play, he soon found out that
his ill wind blew no good. A friend of mine, who is a drummer in a rock band, got a new,
solid-gold electronic gong. It tells him when he needs to replace heads and adjust everything. To him, it is quite a status
cymbal. From all that I have read, I believe that most people who lived in castles were well manored. I had to throw out my oldest and most favorite colander, this
morning. It just couldn't take the strain, anymore. Of course,
you've heard about the noun and verb who were dating? They had to break up because the noun was too possessive.